no reflection can be seen until the waves and ripples in the water come to a stand still

In reflecting back on the summer I take note of my personal feelings. I feel tired yes, but honestly I largely feel overexposed. Shared too much too soon in an effort to grow with 30+ strangers. I feel raw like a sunburn that is sensitive to the touch. I long for opacity, solitude and space. A condition where I am actually able to truly process my thoughts and feelings from this journey and hopefully muster up the courage to do it again next summer. I won’t know the results of this experience for months as I have learned to not trust my “in the moment” feelings about profound things. I remember this selfie I took on my first day of classes. Here alone, with out my family, bright eyed & bushy tailed, rested and full of hope and anticipation, unaware of how raw I would feel on the other end. I can think of a million things I would have done differently, and a million things I would have done the same and still feel waves of regret in doing so. I suspect I have more regret I have yet to realize and that suspicion fills me with a degree of dread. What I mostly regret is what is yet to come. I know myself well enough to know that I will be spending the next several months on replay searching for clarity and learning opportunities. I have weeks ahead of second guessing and emotional processing, feelings I have yet to identify as I see my life much clearer with time. Like a giant boulder dropped into a lake, no reflection can be seen until the waves and ripples in the water come to a stand still. My commitment to my work is unwavering, but I can’t help but feel I have just spent the past 6 weeks in couples therapy at my in-laws with my relationship with art. She and I just want to go home and stare at the wall together asking, “what the hell just happened?”